Hung up on the past?

Is being hung up on the past affecting your future? There are numerous circumstances from your past that you could be still allowing to control your life. Whether it is mistrust from a past relationship, hung up on an ex, perhaps even a feeling of abandonment that stems from something much deeper. If you haven’t let the past go, it can manifest in how you may treat others or what degree of a relationship we allow ourselves to get into.

Your past can affect every area of your life especially when it comes to relationships. Whether it’s how you approach dating or how you emotionally react to people. There are times people repeat their past behaviors because of the past failed ones. This is called repetition compulsion. Basically, you are trying to fix the past by pursuing a similar situation that you have been hurt by. If you are doing this, be prepared to be hurt again. Often these patterns can start at a very young age and can even develop from your childhood. They can play a role in how we operate professionally and personally well into our adult life.

While dating it is very common to attract the same type of people and its rare that if it didn’t work the first time with that certain personality, it won’t work the second or the third time either. By doing this, you are subconsciously trying to fix the mistakes of your original relationship. “Fixers” do this a lot and they tend to attract these types of people.

You need to be aware of your emotional buttons and understand certain triggers that are still lurking due to a past relationship. Even though you feel that the wound is no longer there, someone can say something that can be extremely irritating to you. Acknowledge these emotional buttons and start to work through them. If you are already in a relationship, enlist your partner in this process. I will say this time and time again in my blogs, COMMUNICATE!

Anxiety seems to be a bigger issue while dating now than ten years ago. People tend to take things more personally and react impulsively causing conflicts. The natural reaction is to avoid these situations and unless you are aware that you are doing this, you would rather stay single than put yourself out there. Avoidance of the situation will only cause other anxiety from feeling alone. Dealing with this situation is a learned skill and it seems it is taking people much longer to master this.

If you were in an abusive relationship whether it is physically or emotionally, you may disrespect yourself in the future by allowing yourself to listen to an inner voice. Telling yourself that ‘you’re so stupid’ how could you be so naive’ why would anyone want you’ and you continue to belittle yourself. If you listen very closely, you will hear that this is not your voice, it is the voice of the abuser. That voice that makes you question yourself can be silenced but not until you realize that you will no longer be controlled and kept in an emotional box.

Re-living your past relationship and continuing operating out of fear is one of the harder things to overcome. Certain things will act as triggers that the past is going to repeat itself. You will watch for familiar acts that could potentially lead to being hurt again. In our heads, we can see the direction that things are going and even manifest an issue out of nothing. While trying to cut it off before it happens, you could be uliminating a potentially good relationship. It is easy to start feeling like everyone is out to hurt you. Just because you have been cheated on before or betrayed in some way, it does not mean it will happen in your future relationships. You need to allow yourself to step out of this paranoid state of mind.

People that are attempting to avoid getting hurt will often push people away or constantly need reassurance from their partner, which can be draining for them. You do successively remain safe from hurt but you will eventually be alone or starting over time and time again. For some people, they feel it would be better to live in their safe bubble rather than taking a chance but this mindset leaves you depressed and questioning your self-worth while living in fear.

For a lot of people, these situations can seem overwhelming and far too big of a challenge to tackle on their own. Sometimes their friends and family can make the issues worse by feeding into unwarranted fears. Having a relationship specialist can help you identify the issues and see it from a third party perspective while coaching you to help overcome these patterns and fears. By trying to overcome these things alone you may be crippling yourself, destroying a possibly good relationship and adding to the problem. The more relationships that are unsuccessful the more layers of anxiety you add. Do not be afraid or embarrassed to ask for help from a professional. A successful, fulfilling relationship is possible with the right support!